We should not underestimate the trauma of being an adult child of divorce. Divorce is the death of a marriage, therefore, healing the trauma of adult children inevitably involves grief.
As an adult child of divorce, you probably don’t even realize you are grieving. This type of grief can often be invisible and unacknowledged. You will most likely feel shocked, angry, sad and powerless, which are all part of grieving.
Divorce is the death of hopes, plans and dreams of the future. Its effects reverberate through the whole family circle, whether they be friends or extended family. This creates so much sadness and grief. It can create a real identity crisis in adult children, as it causes you to question and rethink your roots.
Gray Divorce
Between 1990 and 2015, the divorce rate of adults over 50 doubled. Researchers predict it will triple by 2030. This has been named gray divorce.
The gray divorce rate is still much lower than for couples under 50. It is less common, so adult children often feel alone and isolated. You might feel like no one really understands what you’re going through. It’s a shocking and overwhelming experience.
The Psychological and Physical Impact On An Adult Child Of Divorce
Some adult children are angry at their parents for waiting so long to divorce. You might even be wondering how different your childhood might have been if your parents had divorced when you were younger.
This can be especially true if you experienced childhood emotional abuse, including belittling, ridiculing and blaming, substance abuse, mental illness or your mother was treated violently.
This can impact childhood and adulthood health, as well as your mental well-being throughout your lifespan. It can create trauma. This is a psychic injury that gets stuck in your nervous system, mind and body.
Trauma And It’s Effects On An Adult Child Of Divorce
Trauma is something that can resurface. A life event, such as divorce, can trigger old memories. There is a type of therapy called EMDR that can really help with the stressors and trauma of being an adult child of divorce.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It really does help you desensitize to intense feelings and memories that can come up when your parents divorce. You can reprocess memories that make it difficult to heal and even function in everyday life.
Divorce can make you realize that their parenting led to a lot of dysfunction as a child. Sometimes it leads to depression and anxiety in adulthood that you might not even be conscious of. Memories of adverse events during childhood can turn divorce proceedings into a psychologically traumatic event.
Therapy and EMDR can help you work through these issues and start to heal. Some people need extra help working through the issues that come up for adult children of divorce.
Healing From Being An Adult Child Of Divorce
Open communication and boundary setting are very important. Don’t be afraid to set limits. It might be very awkward to be put in the position of being one or both parents emotional support person. This is a role reversal that can become a burden.
Don’t become your parents confidant. You also don’t have to choose a side. Instead, encourage them to find a different support system, maybe even enter counseling during this difficult time.
You might be able to lean on a sibling to help you cope. Maybe friends don’t quite understand.
Some adult children wonder if their entire childhood was a lie. In this case, you might be completely blind-sided by your parents decision to divorce. This can be shocking and elicit anger and fear. This is where talking it out in therapy can really help.
The Burden Of Divorce On Adult Children
As an adult child, it is common to feel the burden of changing roles, family traditions, and rituals. You wonder if you must plan vacations and holidays differently. Often, divorcing parents who are angry and hurt with each other can ruin celebrations for their adult children.
Juggling these issues can add a burden of worries, concerns and responsibilities. You might be experiencing a real sense of instability as the family structure breaks down.
Divorce can also create financial instability. It can be scary to navigate fears about money and financial support.
It’s normal to worry about your own family, marriage and personal relationships. Watching your parents marriage dissolve can cause you to reassess your views on marriage and long-term relationships.
It can turn your sense of security upside down. After all, if this can happen to your parents, it could happen to anyone, including you. It can really make you question yourself.
Creating New Traditions
It’s important for divorcing parents to listen to what their adult children are saying and feeling. This will help adult children to heal. Adult children of divorce are experiencing a lot of losses, and are likely grieving.
This may be the time you to create new traditions and rituals that will consider the new family dynamics. Learning effective communication skills and boundary-setting with your parents will help a lot. Therapy can be a big help with this.
Therapy can help you express all your feelings in a safe environment without the need to edit yourself. It can be overwhelming and confusing to watch your parents marriage fall apart. Being able to honestly voice all your concerns and feelings will help you move on and cope with what is happening.
Neurofeedback is a type of therapy I do that will help calm your nervous system and be more resilient during this trying time. Especially if you are in the middle of a life transition yourself, watching and experiencing your parents own life transition can be exhausting.
If you think I can help you navigate being an adult child of divorce, please reach out to me. I create a safe place to express yourself, as well as provide EMDR and neurofeedback, if that is something you’re interested in. I have offices in Santa Monica and Torrance, as well as provide online therapy. My phone is 310-314-6933 or you can email me at mindy@mftherapy.com.
