Being cheated on can be so emotionally devastating that is causes infidelity trauma. Infidelity trauma is similar to having post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The stress, anxiety and intense emotions make it difficult to function. You might be feeling panicky, like your heart is pounding, your brain feels fuzzy and you are crying all the time.
Your sense of trust has been violated to the point of wondering if you can ever trust again. Can you ever feel safe again?
Even if the affair is over, you might not be able to shake the intense emotions that are coming up. This emotional strain is very taxing on your nervous system.
Whether or not you stay or leave your relationship, the infidelity trauma you feel will need to be worked on and resolved. Staying might be worth it for the right relationship. Leaving might be the best choice. Either way, the PTSD will still be there, especially when you contemplate starting a new relationship or trying to move forward in the relationship you are in.
You might not be able to make the decision to stay or leave until the infidelity trauma is dealt with. Will you be able to forgive and let go of your anger and resentment? At least enough to move forward? You may have past traumas that developed in childhood. These traumas can profoundly affect your attachment to childhood caregivers. In turn, attachment issues affect who you are attracted to in your present.
Infidelity Trauma Explained
You are not alone if you are unable to get over the painful experience of a betrayal. If you can’t stop thinking about it, feel angry, depressed, have nightmares and crying spells, you may be experiencing PTSD.
On top of that, you are probably grieving the loss of what you thought you had. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. Your relationship needs to be redefined and won’t be the same as it was.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD
PTSD includes flashbacks and nightmares which cause you to relive the trauma. Some people are angry, while others just feel numb.
Hypervigilence is also a common reaction to infidelity. This is when you begin to look for danger even when it’s unlikely. You do this to protect yourself from any threat of future dishonesty. Your trust has been severely broken, and so now you are on the look out for anything that might be a lie.
This is part of the PTSD fight or flight reaction to a threat. In order to protect yourself from danger, you go into high alert. That way, you can either escape by running away or fight back verbally or physically.
Flight reactions include avoiding any reminders of the infidelity. You may even try to deny what happened.
Chronic worry about being cheated on again is common, along with fear and lack of trust. Infidelity trauma creates a lot of confusion. You start to feel confused about your future and about your choices.
Feeling depressed, humiliated, disoriented, empty and sad are normal reactions to betrayal trauma. You might isolate and withdraw from friends and family. These are all signs of depression. Your sleep might also be affected.
Fight reactions include rage, emotional reactivity and feeling on edge. You can get stuck in these reactions. This means you can’t stop feeling powerless, broken, confused, worthless and like you want to blame, scream and retaliate.
Insight Oriented Therapy And EMDR For Processing Infidelity Trauma
Some people are predisposed to developing infidelity trauma. If you have experienced trauma or abuse in the past, it’s easier for infidelity to trigger trauma reactions. Past buried or unresolved memories of traumatic experiences can be triggered by betrayal. When these past issues come to the surface again, this complicates the healing process. Therapy can really help you at this time.
If you already have trust issues or a negative view of the world or yourself, you are more prone to PTSD. Also, if you struggle with codependency, low self-esteem and are more dependent, infidelity is more likely to cause trauma. Therapy can help you look at these added issues and work them through.
EMDR For Healing Infidelity Trauma
EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a great therapy for healing trauma. It literally desensitizes you to the various trauma triggers that you have. EMDR reprocesses those traumas so they don’t have so much power over your nervous system. It allows you to more easily live with what happened.
It is important to work through past trauma, especially if it stems from childhood.
Be gentle and patient with yourself as you heal and process infidelity trauma. Treat yourself with care and compassion.
If you are the one who cheated, empathy for what your partner is going through may be the most powerful way of supporting their forgiveness process. You can say things like “I hear you.” “And “I am sorry and I can’t blame you for needing more time to trust me.”
Neurofeedback For Building Resiliency And Self-Confidence
Infidelity trauma can be so destabilizing that neurofeedback therapy is needed to ground and calm your nervous system. Neurofeedback helps with self-regulation.
Self regulation is your ability to manage your own reactions and feelings to what’s happening to you. It is an automatic, unconscious process that is not under your conscious/direct control.
When you’re in a deeply stressful state, your brain will flood your body with fight/flight chemicals. This can happen even after you feel you’ve processed the infidelity trauma over and over. This makes it even harder for your brain to stay calm and collected under any other types of stress.
Neurofeedback promotes self-regulation by working with your brain waves directly. Over time, this reduces your brain’s reactivity and gives you more time to “think.” That process alone helps to improve your health and well-being, and empowers you to feel more in control of your life.
As you start to feel happier, less depressed or anxious, and more empowered, decision-making starts to improve and you can make the changes that will lead to a better life.
As Neurofeedback progresses, your new, optimal state may help you to better understand the roots of your issues. You can then resolve childhood painful memories without feeling so much distress.
As your therapist, my job is to support you during these moments by creating a safe environment. Through listening, asking you questions and helping you with somatic healing, you can develop insight and integrate your experiences. We can do the trauma work that is necessary to heal attachment wounds and trauma bonds developed in childhood.
Neurofeedback And EMDR For Past Trauma
Neurofeedback helps you with this by keeping you grounded and regulated. This helps you deal with the infidelity trauma, plus any re-emerging trauma from your past. Then, a final part of recovery will be to come to an understanding of why the affair happened. This can be a very difficult undertaking and therapy, EMDR and neurofeedback can really help.
If the affair happened over only a very short period of time, this can be easier to recover from. Especially if it is quickly confessed with real remorse and a dedication to healing. But, if the betrayal has been going on for months or years or is still active, this is much more difficult to heal from.
There is no quick fix here, but you can learn so much about yourself. This can help you grow and build a better relationship in the future. Figuring out what went wrong and not repeating the past is an important goal for therapy.
If you’d like to explore therapy, EMDR and neurofeedback for healing infidelity trauma, feel free to contact me. I have two offices, one in Torrance and one in Santa Monica, Ca. Give me a call 310-314-6933 or email me mindy@mftherapy.com.
