Vulnerable narcissism, also known as covert or insecure narcissism, avoids the spotlight and uses passive-aggressive communication as a way to control others. They aren’t exactly introverted, but instead lack the self confidence of an overt narcissist. They are afraid of being exposed or humiliated, and constantly play the victim.
Beware The Tyranny Of The Weak
A vulnerable narcissist pretends to be weak and powerless in order to manipulate an empathetic partner to give in to them. They are demanding and feel entitled to getting their way, even if it inconveniences everyone else. When it come to vulnerable narcissism, they will feel entitled to your help and immediate gratification, no matter how it effects anyone else.
With vulnerable narcissism, they are very good at presenting themselves as a victim. Therefore they think they deserve to get their way. You are seen as the bad guy if you don’t take pity on them and give them special privileges.
When you are dealing with insecure narcissism, you’ll notice they don’t yell or get outwardly aggressive in their demands. Instead, they are very passive aggressive. This means they don’t ask for what they want in a straight forward, direct way.
Instead, insecure narcissism is known for using manipulation tactics like acting weak so you will give in to them. This is what we mean be tyranny of the weak. Their tactics can include control through gas lighting and blame shifting.
They rule the family and relationships by getting you to feel sorry for them and give in to their demands. You are seen as the bad guy if you don’t give in, as you are accused of kicking them when they are down.
In general, narcissists have unreasonable expectations of other people. They expect to be catered to, and are competitive and jealous. Narcissists see their own experience as more important than yours, or anyone else’s. They will use manipulation tactics to undermine you so they can maintain control.
Stages of Narcissistic Abuse With Insecure Narcissism
The narcissistic cycle of abuse has four stages. This is true for vulnerable narcissism, as well as other types of narcissism.
The First Stage
The first stage is the idealization stage. They will pile on the attention and compliments. This is called love-bombing. The narcissist will try to quickly and intensely connect with you. This can really feel amazing, especially if you aren’t used to getting so much attention.
They will make you feel like you are unique and special. It will even happen at the start of a relationship when they don’t even know you yet.
Stage Two
The second stage is the devaluation stage. With vulnerable narcissism, they will start to criticize, ignore and manipulate you in a way that makes you feel really insecure, hurt and confused. They will compare you to others, making you feel like you don’t measure up. A vulnerable narcissist will make you feel guilty for not giving into their demands and play devastating mind games.
You won’t know which end is up. All you want is for things to go back to how they were in stage one. You keep looking for what you did wrong, trying to fix it and hoping that they will come to their senses. Due to gaslighting, you often start to doubt your own perceptions. You may start to wonder, ‘am I going crazy?’.
Stage Three
The third stage is the repetition stage. In this stage, the cycle of idealization and devaluation will repeat over and over again. First, showering you with love and compliments, and then they devalue you, making you feel small and ashamed.
Over time, this jumping back and forth is very hard on your nervous system. It can make you feel depressed, anxious and physically ill.
Stage Four
The fourth and last stage is the discard stage. Since they have to belittle you in order to feel better about themselves, a narcissist may completely discard and reject you. In this stage, they may suddenly decide they no longer want to be in the relationship and bluntly end it.
The aim of the cycle of narcissistic abuse is to control you by keeping you off guard and guessing. These harmful tactics are devastating and frightening.
Trying to make sense of it only works if you see it as a cycle of manipulation in order to gain control. They lure you in by idealizing you and then devalue you, making you feel terrible about yourself.
Other Traits Of Vulnerable Narcissism
Narcissism exists in about 6% of the U.S. population. A narcissist shows no empathy for you and how you are feeling. However, they are hypersensitive to criticism and expect care-taking and reassurance. In the case of vulnerable narcissim, they identify as the victim, meanwhile victimizing everyone close to them and claiming they are being treated unfairly. This is crazy making.
Insecure narcissism is never honest and straight forward. Instead, they use passive aggressive, manipulative behavior to control you. Often, they will isolate you from family, friends and support systems and refuse to compromise. Your needs are not considered.
The lack of emotional reciprocity leaves you feeling lonely and drained. They will give you just enough love to keep you hoping they will change. The constant idealization and devaluing is extremely destabilizing.
No wonder the experience leaves you with psychological scars that make it hard to move on. Over a long period of time, many people say they feel like their identity has been stripped away.
It is important not to blame yourself. I can help you learn how to cope and support you as you gain insight into what is happening. Therapy helps you identify patterns that don’t serve you.
What To Do About Vulnerable Narcissism
You can learn the gray rock technique, and other methods to help you set boundaries. Most importantly, learning to love and care for yourself will be key to your recovery process. You will have to learn how to love yourself instead of looking to others for fulfillment.
Don’t get caught up with arguing, explaining, and personalizing their outbursts. Stop engaging in their narcissistic dance. This takes practice and support, so therapy can really help.
Be patient with yourself. Dealing with vulnerable narcissism creates long term mental, physical and emotional effects of narcissistic abuse. Recovery is a process that is worth going through. That way, you can avoid having the same type of relationship with different people.
Learning how to value yourself takes time. Especially coming from a place where you have learned not to trust your own feelings and perceptions. Take the time and space you need to develop your self confidence. I can help you through the process to recovery.
EMDR And Neurofeedback To Cope With Vulnerable Narcissism
Neurofeedback is brain training to increase self-regulation and resiliency. Many people’s resting state has been compromised by trauma from narcissistic abuse, depression, anxiety and the exceptional stress brought on by living with and/or interacting with insecure narcissism.
As the cycle of abuse continues, you become less and less able to bounce back. I use neurofeedback to restore better brain functioning so you can be more resilient and function at a higher level.
EMDR is another useful therapy I use to help you cope with insecure narcissism. It will help us uncover and desensitize to what has created a lack of self love and care. Often the roots of this are in childhood, where they become ingrained. It is important to explore the origin of these patterns so you don’t unconsciously keep repeating them.
If you’d like to learn more about recovery from a relationship with vulnerable narcissism, please feel free to contact me. I have offices in Torrance and in Santa Monica. My phone is 310-314-6933 and my email is mindy@mftherapy.com.
