Menopause is a life-changing rite of passage, so it is no wonder menopause and divorce can go hand in hand. Learning how to address your conflicts before it’s too late is important. For couples over 55, the divorce rate is rising. It turns out that 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their menopausal years, in your 40s, 50s and 60s.
The UK-based Family Law Menopause Project research says that 70% of the 1000 women surveyed said that menopause was the main cause of their divorce or relationship problems.
Menopause And Divorce – How To Address Your Conflicts Before It’s Too Late
Only a third of the women surveyed said they had been offered treatment or hormonal replacement therapy (HRT) to relieve their symptoms. However, most thought getting support or treatment could have potentially saved their marriage.
It’s important to find a knowledgable doctor, one who understands menopause treatment options. Of those who took HRT, 65 percent said it had had a positive impact on their menopause-related symptoms. There are other herbal treatments, as well.
Recreating Your Sense of Self
Menopause can create an identity crisis. I can help you in therapy with how menopause effects your self-confidence. That can lead to menopause and divorce. In the past, your all-consuming focus may have been on child rearing and even taking care of aging parents. This becomes a part, or even all, of your identity.
As children move into their mid and late 20s, they are individuating and learning to be more independent. This leaves you the time to focus on other things, such as developing yourself and your relationships. You have to redefine yourself, and this is a big job.
Not to mention, we live in a world where staying young is so valued. Youth and beauty are tied together. You can feel pressure to look and feel young, but the reality is you are looking and feeling older. Redefining what beauty is becomes important for your self-esteem.
Physical Symptoms of Menopause and Divorce
Hormonal fluctuation will typically trigger a range of physical changes, from weight gain to a redistribution of body fat to a change in skin texture and decreased bone density. Cardiovascular health and brain function are also effected. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, decreased libido and vaginal dryness can have a daily effect on your life. Although this is normal, it can be hard to accept.
Communication Is Key
When you feel a sense of loss of control over your body, it can affect your self confidence. Going through menopause is something your body goes through, without consulting you!
You might even feel some shame, which makes it even harder to communicate what you’re feeling and going through. This is a real problem, since lack of communication is the top reason for divorce, in general.
When you feel less confident about your sexual relationship and about how you look, it can be very difficult to talk about. But, when you don’t communicate, you wind up pushing your partner away.
With all the symptoms of menopause, sometimes the last thing you want to do is communicate. When you don’t feel well, it’s hard to be patient or have energy to worry about your relationship. But, it’s important to learn how to address your conflicts before it’s too late.
Fear of rejection and getting older can keep you from communicating. This leads to isolation and loneliness, for both of you. You also miss out on deepening your relationship and actually feeling more connected. Reach out to me if you think therapy can help.
Menopause and Divorce
Menopause and divorce is a big decision that is best explored carefully, together. There is an important study that was done in 1997. This study looked at data from thousands of married couples to try to figure out the top reasons for divorce.
They came up with six marital problems that predict divorce over the next 12 years into the future. They are infidelity, spending money foolishly, drinking and/or drug use, jealousy, moodiness and irritating habits. These issues are difficult to deal with unless you come to therapy.
If these problems exist in your marriage, and you throw menopause into the mix, that might just tip the scales towards divorce. Especially if your kids have grown up and now live out of the house. You may feel that you don’t have to stay in the marriage for the kids, anymore.
Receiving Support From Your Partner
It can be hard and even embarrassing to ask for, receive and accept support. When it comes to how to address your conflicts before it’s too late, it’s important to work on being vulnerable with your spouse. Therapy can help you figure this out for yourself.
You might not feel worthy of support. If that’s the case, talking to a therapist can really help. Not reaching out often results in misunderstandings and tension in the marriage.
f you can recognize what is happening, and have compassion for yourself and ask for the support you need, that can go a long way towards improving your marriage.
Your self-worth is not defined by how you look. It’s time to redefine what beauty and strength are, beyond what society tells you. Being honest with your spouse will build intimacy and a deeper love.
Emotional Changes During and After Menopause and Divorce
Menopause can effect your mood and cause anger and anxiety. You can feel emotionally disconnected. Or you might feel like everything your partner says is dumb or wrong.
Maybe you pick fights and push your partner away. If you can realize that this emotionality is caused by hormones rather than anything the your partner did wrong, this is how to address your conflicts before it’s too late. Otherwise, the strain on the marriage can get to be too much.
Dropping levels of the hormone oxytocin during menopause can cause you to feel less connected to your loved ones. Oxytocin regulates emotional responses, bonding, trust, empathy, and positive communication.
How Can You Support Your Partner When She Is Going Through Menopause?
Listen to your partners needs and concerns. Educate yourself about menopause so you can understand what your partner is going through. Don’t criticize or try to fix the problem.
Intimacy isn’t just about sex, so explore different ways to be together. That way, you can maintain love and connection. This will help you learn how to address your conflicts before it’s too late. Sometimes it can take the pressure off when you don’t have the goal of intimacy be about whether or not you have intercourse or have an orgasm. Just enjoy physical closeness and touch.
Try to be compassionate and express how much you love her. Cuddle and tell her she is beautiful. And try not to take her moods personally.
Support her in making changes if needed, like changing diet and exercise. Or seeing a doctor or therapist. Go with her and offer support.
Most women are negatively impacted by menopause when they are at work. This can be a real source of emotional pain and feelings of inadequacy. When menopause symptoms affect your ability to do your job, it can lead to hopelessness and anxiety.
Especially since menopause is a taboo subject and women often don’t feel they can express how they’re feeling at work. Symptoms like brain fog can really effect your work performance. This can make her feel bad about yourself and lead to problems at home. Try to be as understanding as possible. This will go a long way towards learning how to address your conflicts before it’s too late
Sometimes, you might have to just give her some space. The important thing is that you both go through this as a team! Don’t isolate and go it alone.
What Women Can Do for Menopause And Divorce
Talk to a qualified doctor. Consider HRT or other treatment options. If your libido is low, and/or you have vaginal dryness, explore this with a Naturapath, or other health practitioner. There are lubricants, and other methods that help.
Exercise and eat healthy. Eat smaller portions. Eating too much before bed can make hot flashes and night sweats worse. This is how to address your conflicts before it’s too late
Update your beauty regimen. Change your hair, makeup or add some pieces to your wardrobe. Pamper yourself, slow down when you need to.
Find a support group of other women. Then, you can share treatment ideas. Make sure you communicate with your partner. Do not isolate out of shame, confusion or fear. Come to therapy if you’re not happy in your relationship or you need more support.
If you need to, get counseling. I am here to help, so feel free to reach out. Adjust your lovemaking and communicate. This will increase the odds that your marriage will survive.
Andropause, Male Menopause
It is important to note that men go through their own hormonal changes at the same age as women. The difference is that a man’s testosterone level goes down much more gradually than what women experience. So, it can be hard to notice it as quickly.
Testosterone effects your sexual function, mood and some male physical attributes. Men will notice that it is harder to remain as physically fit. They also feel fatigue, decreased libido and mood changes. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
It is hard to deal with these changes in your body and emotions. Often, men will withdraw, leaving partners feeling alone, confused and shut out. Don’t push your partner away. If you want to know how to address your conflicts before it’s too late, deal with all these changes together. Andropause and menopause are a normal part of aging and you can go through it as a team, together.
When it comes to menopause and divorce, maintaining honest and open communication will create new ways to connect and be together. It feels good to know that you aren’t 100% of the problem and that you are going through aging and hormonal changes together.
Be each others best friend! If you have each others back, this will build unity, acceptance and love. If you need the help of a therapist, I’m here to assist.
We can also do neurofeedback to help calm the emotional symptoms of menopause. You can contact me at 310-314-6933 or mindy@mftherapy.com. I have offices in Torrance and Santa Monica, California. Feel free to reach out to me if you think I can help.
