Coping with a partner who is a malignant narcissist is very challenging. A malignant narcissist is entitled, selfish, self-centered and condescending. They lack empathy and get angry when they don’t get their way.
They expect you to do things for them, but they don’t return the favor. If you are married with kids, or have a boss like this, it might not be so easy to break up or quit your job.
Maybe, with hard work, you can learn to manage a malignant narcissist. You might be able to make the best of this difficult situation.
You Cannot Fix A Malignant Narcissist
A malignant narcissist can be managed, but they cannot be fixed. As a result, you have to learn what makes them tick and how to deal with how they are. Without trying to fix or change them.
A malignant narcissist is incapable of self-refection and self-criticism. Trying to get them to change requires them to go against who they are. In order to have a good relationship, you have to be able to look inside yourself, recognize your flaws, and then try to improve. But these are all actions narcissists are incapable of doing.
Instead, expect a narcissist to lie, manipulate and pretend that they will do something. But, actions speak louder than words, so don’t believe them until they actually take action.
What A Malignant Narcissist Wants
A malignant narcissist wants to be superior to you. They want a servant. They want attention and praise. If you know this, you can learn to get leverage, avoid being manipulated and take care of yourself.
Social status if extremely important to them. A malignant narcissist enjoys the status of being married and having kids. At work, the more employees they have, the more important and influential they will be. The more power they have.
The narcissist has a huge need to look good. So, don’t feed into that by faking closeness in public. The more you hide their behavior in public, the more they can manipulate you.
They do not want to lose their status. You can use this knowledge to get your own needs met. Not by threatening divorce or to quit your job, but in more subtle ways.
Gray Rocking
Indifference, not anger, has a strong impact. Anger conveys that you are still caught up emotionally. Indifference implies that you are no longer so invested in the relationship. You are preparing for a more independent life.
Indifference forces a narcissist to treat you with more respect or watch you continue to wean yourself off of the relationship and move on.
Indifference means remaining emotionally unresponsive and neutral. This is the gray rock method. Make yourself as nonreactive and unremarkable as possible, like a gray rock. Don’t take the bait when they try to get a rise out of you.
You might need to separate yourself as much as possible. Distract yourself with your phone, if needed. Don’t get involved in conversations. Keep your answers and comments short.
At first, the malignant narcissist will get angry and frustrated. But, after awhile, we hope they will give up, since they aren’t getting any satisfaction.
Don’t debate them if they see things differently. Calmly and in a matter of fact and indifferent way, tell them that you are entitled to your feelings and opinions. Whether they agree or not.
You can carefully pick your battles, choosing to assert boundaries only sometimes. Make it clear that if they want something from you, they need to change their behavior. If you act contemptuously towards me, we won’t be going to the party together. If they storm off, let them. Once they cool down, they might just back down.
Standing up for yourself is hard work. It can be draining and exhausting. While this can work well with a narcissist, a malignant narcissist makes this more difficult.
Boundary Setting
Unfortunately, if you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, they will break down all of your boundaries. You may find yourself submitting to their demands and tolerating abusive behavior because you feel too afraid. They will see you as challenging their authority, and their behavior can then escalate.
If this is true for you, instead focus on yourself. You might have to protect yourself by looking after your own health and well being. Malignant narcissists are not motivated to change, so spend your energy exercising, spending time with supportive family and friends, and finding hobbies you enjoy.
Try doing therapy with a therapist who understands malignant narcissism and can help you through recovery.
If You Decide To Leave
Of course, leaving is completely up to you. If you do decide to leave, make sure you have a plan to ensure your financial, emotional and physical safety.
They will most likely have a very negative reaction to you leaving, so don’t tell them beforehand and don’t tell them where you are going. Only tell a small number of friends and family who can be trusted to keep your confidence private.
You may need to get a restraining order. Make sure you have your own private bank account and enough money. This bank account should be at a separate bank and be in your name only.
Gather important documents like your passport and your valuables beforehand. Put them somewhere safe that our spouse does not have access to. Make sure there are no trackers on your devices. This might mean getting your own private cell phone account.
Trauma Bonded To A Malignant Narcissist
It can be very difficult to break the trauma bond to a malignant narcissist because it is addictive. As with any addiction, you are chasing the original amazing feeling you got when you first discovered the addiction.
In the case of a trauma bond, you are always looking for that feeling you got at the beginning of the relationship when you were being love bombed. Love bombing is overly affectionate behavior that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. The love bomber expresses over-the-top displays of adoration, showering you with gifts, compliments and attention.
The malignant narcisissist will declare love early on, before they even really know you. This can take the form of demanding to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together. This is all very overwhelming and happens way too quickly, before you can really get to know each other. You feel like you are so close, and being doted on, complimented, and cared for is an amazing feeling. As you spend more time together, you start being abused. But, you keep trying to get more love bombs.
Emotional Abuse
This can really take a toll on your mental health as you can experience frequent bouts of stress and sadness when you’re being abused, but then elevated highs when you’re rewarded with love bombing. Unfortunately, the love bombing gets less and less, until you are almost always being abused.
It makes you feel like you don’t really know what’s going on, because these manipulative tactics make you desperate to win back their affection. You blame yourself, and they blame you, too, so it takes a huge toll on your sense of self.
It can be difficult to realize that you’re being abused. Over time, you can process your grief and confusion and realize it’s not your fault. Once you educate yourself and see things for what they are, the trauma bond will get easier to break.
If you are dealing with a partner who is a malignant narcissist, and you would like to explore therapy, please reach out. I use neurofeedback and EMDR during therapy to help you work through the confusing maze of feelings you are probably dealing with. Contact me through my confidential email mindy@mftherapy.com or by leaving a private phone message at 310-314-6933.
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