- Why Is Assertive Communication An Effective Strategy At The Start Of A New Relationship?
- Changing To Assertive Communication
- Passive Communication Is An Ineffective Strategy
- Building Trust
- Aggressive Communication
- Practicing Assertive Communication
- Setting Boundaries Is An Effective Strategy
- “I” Statements Are An Effective Strategy For Assertive Communication
- How To Start Assertive Communication
- Body Language and Tone of Voice
Why Is Assertive Communication An Effective Strategy At The Start Of A New Relationship?
Assertive communication is when you state your thoughts, needs, or wants clearly, honestly, respectfully and concisely. It is an effective strategy for sharing your own feelings and thoughts without judging others for theirs. Assertive communication goes two directions: listening and sharing. In romantic relationships, it’s ideal to choose a partner who can listen to what you need and how you feel and then to make sure you listen to them, as well.
You can advocate for yourself in a polite and considerate way.
Assertive communication involves mutual respect for your own ideas and those of others. This method promotes closeness and caring, so it is preferable to passive or aggressive communication.
Passive actions, such as ignoring your partner, or punishing them by not replying to texts, negatively affect your relationship. Aggressive actions like yelling or name calling only push your partner away.
Changing To Assertive Communication
Changing what can be considered “negative” communication patterns isn’t easy, since you probably learned many of them in childhood. Self-awareness and practice can help you start to replace these negative behaviors with more relationship building strategies.
Don’t be afraid to practice, practice, practice! The more you practice assertive communication, the easier it will become. And the better you will get at it! The reward will be a much happier, more fulfilling life.
It will also help you discern when your partner just isn’t a match for you. This is especially handy at the start of a new relationship. Assertive communication can help you realize that getting too attached to this person isn’t a good idea if they can’t or won’t meet your needs.
Passive Communication Is An Ineffective Strategy
At the start of a new relationship, it is important to watch out for passive communication in yourself and in your partner. Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. Avoiding topics might feel easier at first, but it can quickly become detrimental.
Not really saying what you mean, hoping that your partner will just get it, keeps you from really knowing who your partner truly is. This can be a dangerous road to go down and can lead to getting attached to the wrong person. While it might be uncomfortable at first, clear communication can save you a lot of pain in the long run.
Passive communication often leads to rumination. Rumination or stewing over what’s bothering you may be easier in the moment, but not expressing yourself is a slippery slope. Avoiding arguments or disagreements for the sake of keeping the peace does not lead to peace of mind. It can actually cause a lot of anxiety and stress, the very thing you’re trying to avoid.
When you avoid issues and don’t have tough conversations, your anger and irritation can come out on other people in your life. Instead of telling your partner how you really feel, you could end up ranting to a friend or being rude to a stranger you see at the store.
Building Trust
Your partner will be more likely to trust you when they know you are being open and direct. Passive communication often leads to lying by omission. Vagueness causes people to not trust that you will be honest about who you really are.
If you beat around the truth and avoid sharing your real opinions and feelings, often times people can sense that you don’t seem authentic and you’re not telling them everything. Even though you are doing that to spare their feelings or avoid conflict, they may have a hard time trusting you again.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication, while not necessarily dishonest, damages trust and can frighten or alienate your partner. Threatening, blaming or criticizing another person only destroys intimacy. If your partner is being aggressive, this can be very scary.
Getting defensive when someone tries to talk to you does not bode well for a healthy, happy relationship. Aggressive communication often takes the form of refusing to compromise or listen to your partners perspective. The message is, “only my opinions/feelings matter, not yours.” Or, “I just want my way, no matter what you think or feel.”
Practicing Assertive Communication
It is a lot easier and safer to practice assertive communication with people you trust. Start by expressing yourself to a close friend or family member. This will help you start to get comfortable with making requests and expressing your opinions. It also helps you prepare for more difficult conversations.
You can ask your loved ones to point out when they feel unheard or attacked. This will help you recognize what you have to work on.
Setting Boundaries Is An Effective Strategy
Setting boundaries is self-love. It also shows your partner how you expect to be treated. So, you must get clear about what your personal boundaries are so you can set limits.
This starts with knowing how you feel and being able to express emotions clearly. This means deciding what you will, and will not do. It honors your own needs and shows your values. Try to tell your partner what you do want, not what you don’t want.
“I” Statements Are An Effective Strategy For Assertive Communication
You can use “I” statements as a way to set limits and ask your partner for what you want. “I” statements help you focus on how you’re feeling, putting less emphasis on your partner’s behavior. For example, instead of saying “You are never on time,” you might say, “I get worried when you don’t arrive on time.”
Start with: “I feel frustrated when…” or “I feel sad when….” Or “I feel disappointed when…”
For example, one day your partner asks you why you never come over to his place? You don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you want to be honest so you say: “I feel uncomfortable in messy spaces, and that distracts me from enjoying our time together. Would you be willing to do dishes and clean up a little before I come over? That would help me feel less stressed.”
How To Start Assertive Communication
Stick with one issue at a time. Going off on tangents to other topics make things too complicated. You might want to take a half hour break if things become too heated. This can help you to maintain a clear mind. Say to your partner, “This situation seems to be going into a negative place. Let’s stop here.”
Pick the right time to discuss your issue in private. It should be when you and your partner are calm and relaxed. You can even plan a time with your partner to discuss your topic.
Make sure you can talk in person, not over text. When you are texting, it’s so easy to miss tone of voice or facial expressions. You can’t tell how your partner is feeling. They might look really sad or be crying, and over text you would never know it.
These important cues are completely missing. So it can be so easy to misunderstand each other. Say to your partner, “would you like to talk about this more in person? Let’s make a plan together.”
Body Language and Tone of Voice
Try to be aware of your body language when you are talking to your partner. Use direct eye contact and sit up with good posture. This shows self confidence. Also, be aware of your facial expression and tone of voice. Stay as calm and neutral as you can so you don’t express anger or anxiety. \Don’t apologize when you are asking for something, since this dilutes your message.
Communicating assertively can do wonders for your self esteem and increase satisfaction in your relationships.
If you are using and practicing assertive communication, but your partner is not, this might be a warning sign that you’re dating an emotionally immature person. Better to find this out early at the start of a new relationship.
You can say, “I’m feeling hurt by your statements and need to end this exchange.” Also, “I need to think about this for a while. I’ll reach back out when I’m ready.”
The start of a new relationship is a tender time. Assertive communication will help move you in a direction of really seeing and experiencing who your partner is. And this insight will help you decide if this person is someone you want to date for a time, or a lifetime.
If you want to learn more about assertive communication as an effective strategy, please reach out to me by email mindy@mftherapy.com or call me at 310-314-6933.