Covert narcissism, also called vulnerable narcissism, is a less obvious form of narcissism. Covert narcissism seems to effect from 0.5% to 5% of the US population.
The covert narcissist constantly seeks reassurance about their talents and skills. They demand that others validate, recognize and admire them. They use passive-aggressive tactics in order to gain control and get their need for recognition met.
A vulnerable, covert narcissist avoids the spotlight, appearing shy, modest, and lacking in self-confidence. They even show symptoms of anxiety, depression, shame and guilt. They are introverted and socially withdrawn.
They fail to develop empathy for others, secretly, feeling they are better than others and deserve special treatment. The passive aggressive narcissist is self-absorbed and self-centered. They do not have a concern for others.
Learning the signs of a covert narcissist will help you cope. It helps you realize what you are dealing with. That way, you can stop blaming yourself. A covert narcissist is passive aggressive and constantly needs to be reassured, and there is nothing you can do to change that.
They will blame you for not supporting them, but their need for reassurance is insatiable. No matter how hard you try to reassure them, they can’t be convinced. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough. Therapy is very good for getting clarity about the reality of being in relationship with a covert narcissist.
In contrast, the overt, grandiose narcissist is very outgoing and extroverted. This is the type of narcissist we are all familiar with. They are clearly being very self-centered and aggressive. The overt narcissist loudly seeks attention outwardly. They also lack empathy and dominate in obvious ways. They are out going, the life of the party, charming and charismatic.
Narcissists are good at seeking out warm hearted, sensitive people who are giving and empathetic. Then, they proceed to manipulate and control, making you doubt your own reality and perceptions.
Passive Aggressive Narcissism
The Film Anatomy Of A Fall
Covert narcissism traits include passive aggressive behavior. An example of this is in the opening scene of the film Anatomy Of A Fall. A reporter visits a woman at home to interview her about her new book. However, the interview never happens because the woman’s husband blasts music throughout the house as the interview is getting started.
It is so loud that the two women can’t hear each other. Sadly, the wife does not even bother to ask her husband to turn down the music. Presumably because she is so used to his passive aggressive behavior. He knows she is in the middle of an interview, but blasts his music anyway. His wife recognizes that she is powerless to stop him.
Blasting music is an example of passive aggressive behavior. This type of behavior is a way to actively work to undermine or sabotage you. They might pretend to support you but secretly hope things don’t go your way. In this example he simply blasts the music, undermining the interview.
Here is the link to the trailer of Anatomy Of A Fall.
Passive Aggressive Narcissist Traits
Passive aggressive behavior is a form of abusive manipulation. It is one of the main signs of a covert narcissist. It is extremely frustrating.
Passive aggressive behavior is abusive. It is about gaining control by avoiding dealing with things directly. This is a typical sign of covert narcissism. When someone is passive aggressive, they do not communicate openly. They avoid confrontation and expect others to magically know what they want. The passive aggressive narcissist is extremely frustrating to deal with.
Healthy Direct Communication Is Impossible With A Covert Narcissist
It’s important to compare direct communication with passive aggressive behavior. People who are direct simply ask for what they want. There is no drama here. When they are upset, they tell you why, communicating honestly and assertively.
They are able to accept that things might not go their way and can let go of things beyond their control. It is key that for healthy communication you stay open-minded. That way, you can empathize with others. You can respect someone else’s opinions and point of view. These are things a covert narcissist cannot do.
Communication is based on mutual respect. If you care about someone, you want to know how they feel about what you’ve said. You want to find a compromise solution that serves everyone involved. This is not possible with a covert narcissist.
Passive Aggressive Traits Explained
Passive aggressive narcissist behavior is not telling someone what you want in a direct way. This leaves you guessing as to what they are so angry about.
Other types of passive aggressive traits are smirking, rolling their eyes while someone is talking, pouting and sighing loudly. These non-verbal expressions are typical signs of a covert narcissist.
Saying one thing, but meaning something else is one of the signs of a covert narcissist. For instance, saying you look nice in a sarcastic tone of voice. They might also say something mean about someone but pretend they are just joking. Or, say that your hair style looks good, since it hides your big ears.
Another passive aggressive tactic in covert narcissism is to embarrass you in front of others. Also, working against you while pretending to support you. Secretly, the covert narcissist hopes things won’t go your way. They might even actively work to undermine or sabotage you so you won’t get what you want.
They might pretend to forget to do things or be intentionally late so as to feel in control by keeping you waiting. These abusive, manipulative passive aggressive narcissist behaviors serve to keep you guessing and keep the narcissist in control. They control by avoidance, silence and dis-empowerment.
The Silent Treatment
When a covert narcissist uses the silent treatment they do things like ignore you, refuse to answer your calls or texts, say hello to everyone but you and even pretend not to hear you. They use this as a way to express anger or envy, or as a form of punishment. The silent treatment is a common signs of a covert narcissist.
Other examples of the silent treatment include refusing to speak to you because you didn’t do what they wanted, using one-word answers instead of telling you what’s really bothering them, lack of affection, stonewalling and sulking. These neglectful behaviors aim to hurt you or your importance and create insecurity.
How Covert Narcissism Plays The Victim In The Film Anatomy Of A Fall
A covert narcissist plays the victim. They feel victimized by so many things. In the movie, Anatomy Of A Fall, there is an argument between the couple where the husband expresses how victimized he is. His wife tries to talk sense into him, but he will not change his stance. This argument really shows how you can’t change a covert narcissist and how frustrating and impossible it is to live with one every day.
The passive aggressive narcissist is so hypersensitive to criticism that you can’t really discuss anything. They are self-conscious and avoidant, and introverted.
You can see this in the character of the husband. He tries to put others down in hopes of feeling better about himself and feel in control and superior. This is very disturbing behavior and this character’s wife is a victim of her husband’s manipulation. Yet, he maintains that he is a victim as this passive aggressive narcissist is not as successful as his wife. And, he blames her for that instead of taking responsibility for himself.
This movie shows an excellent portrayal of what life is like, living with covert narcissism. The wife does not know what to do, as she is rendered powerless to have any influence in her marriage. Watching Anatomy of a Fall through this lens will help you understand covert narcissism.
A covert narcissist is very good at turning blame and responsibility around on you. They leave you feeling guilty and responsible. Meanwhile, they take no responsibility for themselves. This is very abusive, toxic behavior. Their lack of empathy for your feelings and constant guilt tripping and gaslighting can really wear you down. It leaves you depressed, anxious and exhausted. They refuse to consider that they might be wrong, seeing you as an opponent.
How To Handle Covert Narcissism
No matter how painful covert narcissistic behaviors feel, it’s important not to take it personally. It is not your fault. Their actions have nothing to do with you. Learning about these signs of a covert narcissist will help you figure out what is going on.
A narcissist will not take responsibility. You will be drawn into conversations and arguments that go nowhere. You will have to talk it out with a therapist or trusted friend and eventually learn to accept the realities of dealing with a narcissist.
Detach From The Covert Narcissist
Instead of feeling compelled to respond to a passive aggressive narcissist and their accusations that you know are false, learn to detach. Recognize the signs of a covert narcissist and stop trying to justify your choices. Stop trying to explain yourself. Disengage, take a step back.
Focus on yourself. You might have to protect yourself by looking after your own health and well being. Covert narcissists are not motivated to change, so spend your energy exercising, spending time with supportive family and friends, and finding hobbies you enjoy.
Try doing therapy with a therapist who understands covert narcissism and can help you through recovery.
It’s better to put your energy into understanding how this all happened. Start learning about narcissistic abuse. Start understanding the patterns you’ve been stuck in. But don’t try to talk to the narcissist about this. Disengage from them.
The Gray Rock Technique For Handling Covert Narcissism
Indifference means remaining emotionally unresponsive and neutral. This is the gray rock method. Make yourself as nonreactive and unremarkable as possible, like a gray rock. Don’t take the bait when they try to get a rise out of you.
You might need to separate yourself as much as possible. Distract yourself with your phone, if needed. Don’t get involved in conversations. Keep your answers and comments short.
At first, the covert narcissist will get angry and frustrated. But, after awhile, we hope they will give up, since they aren’t getting any satisfaction.
Don’t debate a passive aggressive narcissist, if they see things differently. You will never win, since they cannot see how they effect others. Radical acceptance that they cannot change is the goal. Calmly and in a matter of fact and indifferent way, tell them that you are entitled to your feelings and opinions. Whether they agree or not. Then, tune back into yourself. Do things you enjoy with people you enjoy. Stop trying to get a covert narcissist to be what they are not. Disengage. Learn the signs of a covert narcissist and practice not getting caught up in it.
If you need support dealing with a covert narcissist, or you want someone to teach you the gray rock and other communication techniques, I can help. I have offices in Santa Monica and Torrance and offer EMDR and neurofeedback to calm and support your nervous system as you deal with difficult issues. You can reach out to me by email mindy@mftherapy.com or by phone 310-314-6933.
