Blame shifting happens when your partner blames you for their own undesirable traits. If you have an emotionally immature partner, they will use blame shifting as a way to defend against having to deal with their unwanted emotions, thoughts and/or actions.
Blame Shifting And Projection
Blame shifting is another word for projection. Projection was originally defined by Anna Freud in 1936. Projecting, or blame shifting, is a type of emotional abuse that absolves the abuser of responsibility, shifting the blame to someone or something else.
For example, a parent who never had a successful career might tell their child, “You won’t amount to anything” or, “Don’t even bother trying.” This parent is projecting his own insecurities onto his kid. Sadly, it’s natural for a child to internalize this message, believing that he will never be successful.
Blame Shifting Is Emotional Abuse
As the target of the abuse, you often feel guilt and shame, as a result. You take on the full weight of the responsibility for the problem. You start feeling like no matter what you do, it’s always your fault and you are to blame.
The emotionally immature abuser feels threatened by their unwanted thoughts/emotions. They do not want to be held accountable. An emotionally immature partner only wants to reinforce how strong and superior they are.
They cannot face the deep shame that sits at the core of who they are. So, they attribute these unacceptable parts of themselves to someone else to avoid confronting them.
In short, people project in order to defend their egos. For example, a married man who is having an affair, but rather than admit it and take responsibility, he instead accuses his wife of having an affair.
Another example is a woman spends too much money on clothes. When confronted about this, she blames her husband saying “well, if you worked harder and make more money, we wouldn’t be having this problem. I’m just trying to buy the things I need.”
Power And Control
Blame-shifting is often a way to exert power and control over their partner. In fact they are more interested in feeling powerful than they are in feeling emotionally connected. This often leads to a lot of emotional turmoil in a relationship.
It is a problem when two people have very different goals. One person is interested in connection and closeness, while the other one is more interested in control and feeling superior.
The blame shifting relationship always has an imbalance of power. The victim of the abuse is always the less powerful person. The imbalance might be based on finances. For example, one person makes all the money and the other needs money to buy groceries, clothing and other essentials.
One person might be more committed to the relationship or more emotionally dependent. So, when an emotionally immature partner says “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you just leave”, it’s just another way for him to deflect responsibility. He knows that this will make you panic and feel insecure, since you really don’t want to leave. So, you learn to keep quiet and not bring anything up for fear he will threaten abandonment.
Manipulation
Blame shifting is a form of manipulation that plays on your own insecurities and doubts about yourself and your tendency to question the validity of your thoughts and feelings. You might have grown up in a family where your emotional needs weren’t met and where you felt unloved, unsupported, or even picked on.
Children will blame themselves for being unsupported by their emotionally immature parents. Maybe your parent even told you things like “you made me hit you because you don’t listen”. Or “you made me scream at you because you didn’t empty the trash”. So, when you are an adult, it’s no wonder you can fall for blame shifting in a relationship.
Ways To Avoid Blame In A Relationship
Pretending it was only a joke is a common tactic to shift the blame away from themselves. “I was only kidding” or “You’re being too sensitive” are ways they deflect and don’t take responsibility.
When your emotionally immature partner starts with “if you didn’t…” or “if you hadn’t…” you know a blame shift is coming. “If you hadn’t decided to bring this up for the thousandth time, I wouldn’t have lost it,” “If you’d done what you promised to do, I wouldn’t have yelled at you,” and ”If you weren’t so angry all of the time, I wouldn’t have had to lie.”
Here are a few more examples that focus on your flaws as reasons for their bad behavior. “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you weren’t always nagging me” or “If you weren’t always focused on yourself and your needs, we wouldn’t be fighting.”
Or blaming your bad timing: “If you didn’t always bother me when I am dead tired from work, I wouldn’t get so mad” or “You always pick the worst times to talk to me, so what do you expect?”.
Guilt Tripping
A lot of the time, when you confront them with their behavior, you will naturally be angry or frustrated. That’s when guilt-tripping you about being angry might make you feel bad about yourself for this very normal reaction to their behavior. You want this relationship to work, so you feel awful. You might even apologize. The blame shift worked, once again.
There never seems to be a good time to bring anything up. No matter what, she ignored you, pretended not to hear you or screamed at you because it was your fault. The blame shift is intended to make you feel bad about yourself and guilty for having bothered her.
Blame shifting is a form of verbal abuse intended to make you feel guilty, shut up and back down. While you want a resolution to a problem, they want to maintain control. For the blame shifter, being ‘one up’ is more important to them than being close and connected.
If you’d like to discuss this important issue and how not to fall for it, feel free to contact me at 310-314-6933 or email mindy@mftherapy.com.