When a narcissist is mad, it can be terrifying. Narcissistic rage plays a prominent role when you’re dealing with a narcissist. There are many narcissistic rage triggers, making you feel like you are walking on eggshells. You never know when they will have a rage spiral.
Narcissistic Rage As A Manipulation
A narcissist will use rage as an intimidation technique. When a narcissist is mad, they use rage to shut everyone up so they have complete power and control. They will rage others into submission. They use rage as a way to manipulate you.
Anger is a normal human emotion. There are appropriate ways you can express anger. You might step away, feel your heart racing, tremble, or say something you later regret.
Rage, however, is extreme and blind and often happens quickly. Rage feels out of control. It is disproportionate to the situation. When a narcissist expresses rage, it is never ok.
Rage is excessive and deeply disregulated. The narcissist gets hypersensitive and is fighting to regain control. This is unacceptable and deeply disturbing to everyone around them.
When a narcissist is mad, narcissistic rage is very scary and loud. It includes yelling, screaming, emotionally abusing people, throwing things, violence, slamming doors, driving fast and beating their fists on something to make a loud noise.
The covert narcissist will express rage by brooding, being sullen, resentful and victimized. They, too, can be dangerous when they snap.
Rage is a major red flag in any relationship. Confronting them puts you at greater risk. It is terrifying when an adult throws what is basically a temper tantrum.
When a child throws a tantrum, they are too little to hurt anyone. But when an adult throws a tantrum, this is very scary. Anything can set it off. Even being late or breaking a glass.
What Are Narcissistic Rage Triggers?
What will trigger narcissistic rage? They can explode into a rage spiral when they feel ashamed. Or, if they don’t get something they want. You might try to appease them in order to avoid the rage, but this is usually impossible. It just emboldens and enables them.
Here are eight narcissistic rage triggers:
Their self-esteem or image has been harmed.
They don’t get their way.
They are criticized.
They are not longer the center of attention.
They are exposed or called out on their inappropriate behaviors.
They are asked to be responsible for their actions.
They face a setback, disappointment or conflict.
They feel a loss of control.
A Rage Spiral
When a narcissist is criticized, exposed for their bad behavior, or their self-esteem or image is harmed, they feel intense shame. Their unconscious reaction to feeling ashamed is rage. More shame creates more rage. This is known as the rage spiral.
When they feel shame, they will want to punish and get revenge. If you are in the line of fire, they will rage at you, even if it has nothing to do with you.
You can get so scared of the rage spiral that you don’t ever want to communicate with them. You might find yourself scanning the environment, trying to predict the next narcissistic rage. A rage spiral can come out of no where, with no notice, and really shake up your nervous system.
The more a narcissist can stir up emotions in others, the more they feel in control and superior to those around them. On top of that, they won’t take responsibility for how their narcissistic rage is a problem. They will simply blame you or anyone else.
They do not want to lose validation and power. So they will often rage when they feel abandoned. They will punish you and even get vindictive.
As a result, trying to explain or defend your decisions or actions is simply not effective with a narcissist. They will only see it their way.
Justifying, Explaining, Engaging and Personalizing When A Narcissist Is Mad
A narcissist will not take responsibility. You will be drawn into conversations and arguments that go nowhere. You will have to talk it out with a therapist or trusted friend and eventually learn to accept the realities of dealing with a narcissist.
Instead of feeling compelled to respond to accusations that you know are false, learn to detach. Stop trying to justify your choices. Stop trying to explain yourself. Disengage, take a step back.
There is no use personalizing their rage. It is not your fault. Rage is abusive, and nothing you did justifies it. It is their job to control their rage reaction, which they are unlikely to do. Don’t take that on for them. It is their responsibility to get a handle on their rage.
If you are the type that has a hard time when others are upset with you, detaching can be difficult. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices. Learn how to be an observer. This allows you to take a step outside the situation and watch what is happening without reacting to it.
Don’t React When A Narcissist Is Mad
When you don’t react, you don’t give the narcissist the satisfaction of getting you upset. Narcissistic rage is fueled by the control they have through raging. If you don’t react, you don’t give the narcissist any supply.
With less fuel, over time, there is less fire. The hope is that they will eventually realize that you aren’t going to react the way they want. In other words, you aren’t giving them narcissistic supply. As a result, they stop going to you when they are raging.
Don’t engage in yelling, name-calling, rehashing the same disagreements, or blaming. Arguing won’t resolve the problem.
It is normal to defend yourself when you’re attacked. But when you are being manipulated so the narcissist can get a rise out of you, defending does no good.
Narcissistic rage takes a big toll on your health, since it causes so much stress. The anxiety, fear, helplessness and feeling stuck really wear you down. Witnessing a rage spiral can make you sick more often and make existing health issues worse.
Detachment When A Narcissist Is Mad
Detaching allows you to take back control, focusing on calming yourself. When a narcissist is mad, you might have to step away or say something like “We just don’t agree on this” or “Let’s agree to disagree” or “I can see how difficult this is for you”. Empathizing can sometimes work.
If you are used to people-pleasing, detaching and setting boundaries takes a lot of practice. Therapy can really help. Over time, you will get better at it. Take care of yourself and detach from trying to control what others do or what they think of you.
Educate yourself about narcissism. Go to therapy. Call 911 if you feel physically threatened. Remember, this is not your fault. Stay calm and set boundaries.
Don’t try to use logic or get into a debate. And don’t apologize. They will try to blame you, but their rage is not your fault. Don’t buy into their excuses.
Narcissism is almost impossible to fix. Most narcissists will not stay in therapy long enough to even begin dealing with it. This lifts the burden of responsibility off of you. The narcissist must do the work, not you. You cannot do it for them. They need to figure out their narcissistic rage triggers and do the work to deal with them in a more appropriate manner.
Toxic Workplaces
When your boss is a narcissist, a rage spiral can take the form of publicly demeaning their staff. These tyrants will rage and get away with it. Sometimes you can guess the narcissistic rage triggers that created the problem. But, you might have no idea what is going on.
When a narcissist is mad, they intimidate higher ups and their equals into appeasing them. Other times only lower employees see it.
Some employers will try to appease a narcissistic employee. Unfortunately, this creates a system that enables the narcissist.
When a narcissist perceives that they have lost, this one of the narcissistic rage triggers, and their fury becomes more intense. They will lash out the next chance they get. Their ego becomes so wounded that they will seek revenge. Regaining power and control becomes their focus, at almost any cost.
A narcissist can be your boss, your coworker, a client, or a customer. They will make unreasonable demands, heaping more and more work on you no matter how much time each entails. A narcissistic boss might leave you out of essential meetings if they feel threatened by your presence. They might be afraid you will make them look bad.
You might have to walk away when they go into a rage. You can empathize with them, but don’t let them raise their voice. “I understand how you feel, but I need us to remain respectful while discussing this.”
You can also say “Let’s take a break to cool off. We can come back to this later.”
Narcissistic Rage From A Co-Worker
Make sure you verify what this co-worker is telling you. You want to make sure you have the full story. Keep records of your interactions and projects in case you have to argue your case.
You might have to speak to your manager or to someone in human resources to share what is happening. Make sure you report harassment immediately. When a narcissist is mad, you may have to take action. If you don’t, this can embolden them to escalate and it will get worse. You must set boundaries.
It’s important to avoid being alone with the person. Always make sure at least one other person is with you.
Dealing with narcissistic rage is extremely challenging and stressful. If you think I can help, please reach out. I have offices in Torrance and Santa Monica, California.