Healing from betrayal trauma, while living with your partner, is possible. Infidelity is common, and brings your entire relationship into question. Processing all this takes time and raises many issues. Should you stay? Can you rebuild trust? How long will this take? These are all important things to think and talk about.
Healing from betrayal trauma cannot be rushed. It will be much easier to live with your partner during this process if they are able to own up to what happened.
Taking Responsibility
Your partner must take responsibility for the pain they have caused you. They must show genuine remorse and empathy. Is your partner capable of the emotional maturity it takes for this kind of open, honest communication?
Taking responsibility is the beginning of establishing some sense of security so you can heal. Your partner needs to be able to handle your feelings, not for a week or a month, but over a longer period of time.
It is crucial for you to process your emotions such as anger, depression and anxiety, without being rushed by your partner’s need for this to be over. It’s normal when healing from betrayal trauma to question the very foundation of your relationship.
Is Your Partner Emotionally Immature?
If your partner is rushing you and even feeling entitled or victimized by the process, this can be a sign of more serious emotional immaturity. Your partner will need to tolerate your emotional ups and downs, while remaining understanding.
Gaslighting, which is an attempt to make you question yourself and your perceptions, is not helpful. Lying is dis-empowering. You need to be able to look at the facts so you make choices about the type of relationship you want to be in.
Deception in relationship can be a form of partner violence and domestic violence. Sexual deception can be used to control and have power over a partner. This is a sign of serious issues involving emotional immaturity and narcissism. Navigating this with a therapist is vital.
Healing From Betrayal Trauma In Therapy
Therapy is very helpful during this process. It helps you with how to express your feelings to your partner. How much do you talk to your partner, and what is better left for processing in individual therapy?
You might have past traumas from your childhood or other relationships. Sometimes, these betrayals need to be discussed and worked through in therapy. Otherwise, you can’t move on.
Healing from betrayal trauma involves dealing with attachment. We all are fundamentally wired to need emotional connection and security. When that connection and security is injured by betrayal, our trust is violated. This destroys your sense of safety.
When the people we are attached to, such as family members or partners, do something to rupture the attachment bond, this leads to feeling abandoned, unloved and alone. These feelings need to be worked through in order to forgive and move on.
Your partner must be able to be patient and understanding as you navigate healing from betrayal trauma. In order to do this, their own individual therapy will be important. Healing from betrayal trauma has many setbacks and ups and downs. Having support in therapy is crucial.
You both need to do the individual therapy needed to foster growth. Committing to your own personal development will make your bond stronger. That way you can work on the personal issues that led to the betrayal.
Actions Speak Louder Than Works
Actions speak louder than words. Your partner must keep promises, respect your boundaries and be dependable. When your partner can do this, consistently, it starts to rebuild trust. You must be able to rely on them to be there for you.
You both must be able to discuss the betrayal honestly and openly. These types of vulnerable conversations are key to rebuilding your bond with each other.
Therapy is important to encouraging this kind of emotional intimacy, as well as offering a neutral ground to be able to express yourselves. This can help you learn how to take care of your emotional needs.
Rebuilding trust and finding a new sense of intimacy and respect, will take time and patience. While this is challenging, it is possible. You can renew your relationship, building on a new sense of partnership.This process can be a transformative journey. It can lead to a more resilient relationship with many rewards along the way.
Develop A Support System As You’re Healing From Betrayal Trauma
It’s important to choose your support system carefully. Well-meaning friends and family can sometimes give unsolicited and unhelpful advice. You need people who can listen without judgement.
It is your decision to leave or stay, no one else’s. It’s important to share with people who will support you, no matter what you decide. Then, their support and understanding can be a source of comfort and strength.
No one knows the details or your relationship, your situation, or your background the way you do. So, tell your friends that you are happy to hear their advice as long as they respect what you ultimately decide to do. In the end, you’re the one who must make that call.
Don’t feel that your decisions are carved in stone. It might take time, but you are allowed to change your mind. People who care about you need to provide the encouragement and empathy you need, weathering the ups and downs with you in a supportive way.
There are many different criteria that effect your decision to remain in a relationship after infidelity. The decision to remain in a relationship after infidelity is based on criteria including finances, support systems and the shared parenting of young children. Each person’s situation is different.
Common Questions From Betrayed Partners
A betrayed partners will often ask “What does the infidelity say about me?” Many insecurities will arise, such as ‘Am I wrong to still love the person who cheated on me?’ or ‘What is wrong with me that I still want to save my relationship’ and also, ‘What does it say about me that I want to leave the relationship?’
Carried Shame and Healing From Betrayal Trauma
There is a difference between shame and guilt. You feel guilt when you regret what you’ve done. Your conscience is letting you know that you went against your own value system.
The feeling of guilt helps you because it lets you know when you are hurting yourself or someone else. Guilt alerts you to pay attention to what you are doing.
Shame is not just about regretting a behavior. It makes us feel worthless and unlovable. Instead of ‘I did something bad’, it becomes ‘I am bad’. Shame hurts who we are at the core of ourselves.
By violating relationship agreements, the cheating partner is often behaving in a shameless manner. Healthy guilt is important because it can prevent you from cheating. Somehow, your partner has lost connection to the healthy guilt that might prevent them from cheating.
When your partner acts shamefully, they don’t do this because they are evil. Rather, your partner is emotionally immature and is overwhelmed by the emotional complexities of relationships. This is not unusual. Many people have never been given the tools they need for a good relationship.
Dealing With Shameless Behavior And Healing From Betrayal Trauma
If your partner cannot acknowledge that they have done something shameful, you can unknowingly pick up on their shame, as if it were your own. The shame you are feeling is not the result of something you did wrong. It is actually from what your partner did wrong. This is carried shame.
This shameless behavior is commonly taken on by the non-cheating partner. You take on shame that doesn’t belong to you. You probably don’t even realize you are carrying your partner’s shame.
Cheating is not the way to deal with problems in a relationship. This was not your choice, but your partner’s. Your partner made the decision to cheat, not you. This is on them, not you. When the shame you feel doesn’t belong to you, you can’t heal until you release it back to where it belongs.
That isn’t to say that if you are going to make your relationship work, you will have to make some changes in yourself. It’s important to take responsibility, but not to take on someone else’s shame.
How To Heal From Carried Shame
Begin thinking about ways that you might be carrying shame for your partner. This involves how you’ve allowed your partner’s behavior to affect how you think and feel about yourself. This might bring up how you’ve carried shame for many people in your life: bosses, parents, friends or other family members. Sorting this out can be difficult, so therapy can really help.
Carried shame is the change in your own self-perception that results from someone else’s behavior. Here are two examples of ways you might be carrying the shame of your partner’s infidelity. First, ‘I feel like a fool for trusting my partner’ is the way you carry shame about your partner’s deceit. Second, believing there is ‘something wrong with me for not being attractive enough’ is the way you carry shame for your partner’s choice to have an affair.
Luckily, it is your choice whether you continue to carry or release carried shame. Your partner does not have to accept responsibility for you to stop carrying shame about their behaviors.
Make a list of how you carry shame for your partner. Then, write a letter, that you don’t send, which gives back the responsibility to your partner. This will start the process of getting rid of shame that does not belong to you.
If you’d like support navigating your healing from betrayal trauma, please feel to contact me. I can provide EMDR and neurofeedback, therapies that can be very helpful, as well. My phone is 310-314-6933 and email is mindy@mftherapy.com. We can meet online or you can come to my Torrance or Santa Monica offices.